I'm being harassed at work.
Sir, I just want to let you know up front, that being told by your supervisor to get off of Facebook and do some actual work, does not constitute harassment. At least, according to a recent Supreme Court ruling.
No. That's not it... Wait. Does that come up a lot?
Oh yes. It's the number one new lawsuit filed by today's industrious worker.
I'll keep that in mind. But no, my complaint is much more serious and salacious than that. I'm being sexually harassed at work.
YIPPEE! Porsche Cayenne, here I come... I mean, how terrible for you. Tell me some more about what's been happening.
My boss has just been making me very uncomfortable at work, and it has to stop.
A sex therapist?
Oh good. Uhm. Are you a...
Yup, or a gentleman of the night if you prefer. A he-hooker? A paid man whore? A tawdry boy? A fellow with round heels and a fat wallet? Mr. Floozie-Pants? Señor sex-on-demand? One of the male persuasion who is paid to have sex with other people?
Oh come on. You made half of those up. And I know what a prostitute is. AND, no, I am not one.
That's great. Not that I have a problem with he-hookers, per se. It's just that...
DUDE! What about me?!
I guess. I mean, I don't really know you, but I suppose we could at least have a drink.
NO. I meant the thing we were talking about.
Which was? Oh! Yes. My Porsche. I mean, your sexual assault case. So, tell me, what is going on at your place of employment?
Well, my boss just makes me uncomfortable. Everything is all about sex.
Can you be more specific?
Well, sometimes he looks at stuff on his computer, when he knows I'll be watching, and sometimes it's risqué, and I'm pretty sure he does it just to get a rise out of me.
Oh, that's terrible.
It is. I have nightmares.
Is there more?
Does a clown poop in the woods?
I don't know what that means.
Yes. It means yes. I thought everybody knew that one. Clowns poop in the woods.
WHERE?! Argh. Oh my god, save me. AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh.
SETTLE DOWN! Settle down. There isn't any bears.
Then why did you say bears?
It's do bears poop in the woods. Bears, not clowns.
IN THE WOODS!
With the clowns?
There aren't any clowns.
Oh right. And I suppose the bears are the ones mauling unsuspecting hikers.
OH MY GO... you know? Let's skip this conversation. Why don't you just tell me what else has happened at your work.
OK, this is hard. But sometimes when I go to the bathroom, my boss will... look.
At your private parts?
No. At my twigs and berries.
Isn't that your private part?
What fun would it be, if that was private? My pancreas is my private part.
How would somebody look at your pancreas?
If you had an X-Ray. Or a big knife.
Does your boss watch you in the bathroom while holding a large knife?
No, but that would be freaky.
Yes, but we can't file a suit against your boss for some freaky thing that he hasn't done.
But, we can get him for staring at your P-E-N-I-S.
Oh, that's a relief. That would be REALLY strange if he was sexually harassing writing implements. That would be a whole other level of weird.
You're a whole other level of weird.
What was that?
I said... I should shave my beard.
You have a beard?
No. So he looks at your "not so private parts" when you are in the bathroom?
Yes. He's always in there when I am. And he's always googling me.
Looking at me brazenly with sexual intentions.
Didn't you sneeze?
No. Staring at someone with unclean thoughts is called ogling.
I thought that was the evil beasts that live under bridges.
Those are ogres. Listen, can we just get on with this? What else?
Well sometimes he touches me... Where my swimsuit covers.
Oh sorry. But that's finally something I can use.
You could use being touched by your boss? Maybe I should talk to another lawyer.
No, I mean that's finally something that we can use in your against your boss.
Oh. I get it.
I doubt it.
I said you're stupid and I already hate you.
I said, I bet even cupid would want to date you.
Oh. Well I am pretty irresistible.
Except to women. Or gay men. Or anyone really.
Especially to women; I'm sure. So this touching? Where and when does this happen?
Well sometimes at random points during the day, he will just reach down and scratch me. Under my clothes.
At work? Just reach down and scratch your, what? Your bottom?
Yes. And my aforementioned, not private parts.
Just reach right out and fondle you? At work?
That is exactly what I'm telling you.
When else does he touch you indecently?
When I get out of the shower.
He showers with you? This dude is getting weirder and weirder. Have you told him not to?
He doesn't really listen to me. He acts like I belong to him.
That is very disturbing. Who would want you?
I said, my eyes are blue.
No. So when else does this touching occur?
Sometimes late at night after everybody else has gone to bed, he will... he'll... he... h... I can't go on. It's too awful to remember.
Why is he in your bed? Are you being serious?
Yes. Fatal serious.
Yeah it's like dead serious, but worser. And seriouser.
Fatal isn't worse than dead, it's the same thing.
Whatever. Do you want the case or not?
I'm not sure even a Porsche is worth this. Do you have any witnesses?
I witnessed it.
You are not a witness. Is there anyone else in your office that can corroborate your story.
Gather my story into one area?
That's consolidate. No. Corroborate means to confirm your story.
You want my story to become catholic?
Not that kind of confirm. Is there anybody else I can talk to that saw what happened to you? One of your co-workers perhaps?
No, I'm afraid not. I don't have any co-workers.
That's too bad. So, it's just you and your boss?
Yup. Just a one man operation.
Wouldn't that be a TWO man operation?
Nope, it's just me.
...and your boss?
I am the sole employee of the company. And also the owner.
So, who is harassing you?
Geez, I thought you had to be smart to be a lawyer. My boss is harassing me.
YOU ARE YOUR BOSS! You can't harass yourself!
You wouldn't say that if you see what happens in the shower!
Holy crap, that's a terrifying image. Sir, you're a kook. You can't file a suit against yourself.
Why not?! All this sexual attention is totally unwanted.
It can't be unwanted if you are subjecting yourself to it.
Oh yeah?! I suppose, I just asked for it right? You're so typical. Just because I like to wear sexy things, that means I should be subjected unwanted sexual attention?
But you ARE your boss! Who am I supposed to sue? You or you?
That's crazy. What kind of idiot sues himself?